What's Left of Me
by Catharine Carter
Summary: Jax' marriage to Carly has been rather rocky lately, so Jax turns to Elizabeth and finds more than a friendship. Don't hate me, I'm still a Liason fan first and foremost! M for adult situations later on.


Life around the Jacks' home had been anything but tranquil as of late. Michael's shooting and subsequent coma had left the house rather quite. Morgan didn't play quite as vibrantly as he had before. Carly… Well, even when Carly was home, she wasn't home. Her thoughts were always with Michael, displacing her mind from her body, leaving it an empty shell of the woman I called my wife. She was always so beautiful, but there was no life in her eyes or in her step anymore.

As for myself, I felt like a stranger in my own home. Morgan didn't talk much with his brother gone, and Carly barely spoke when she was around. The place was rather quiet all the time. The silence was deafening. And then it seemed like when we did any talking, it became the exact opposite in a matter of moments. We were always fighting lately, about this, about that, about everything. There was no reprieve. I had to get out.

Especially since Sonny said if Carly was pregnant that I'd want to have a paternity test. Carly had played that one off quite well, even for Carly. All the time, in the back of my mind, all I could picture was Carly and Sonny in bed, over and over again. Then, after Carly thought she had eased my troubled thoughts, they were anything but. That image of Sonny and Carly was engraved into my brain and I couldn't shake it.

I had a business meeting with Kate at three to go over the numbers for the magazine, and I just wouldn't come back over here when I was done. I went upstairs to pack a bag. I didn't know how long I'd be gone, but I decided I'd need enough clothing to last me through the week, then I'd wash.

I couldn't just leave with out telling Carly everything, but I had no idea when she'd be home, so I sat down to write her a note after I finished packing. 'What are you going to say, idiot?' I asked myself, unable to put any words down on the paper. I got as far as her name and then stopped. Sighing, I dropped the pen and stood up from the desk. I'd see her sooner or later, and if it was later, maybe that was best.

A few hours later, I showed up at Kate's office. I walked in to find her sitting behind her desk, already looking over the charts. I sat down across the desk from her without even saying a word.

Kate looked up from the folder at me and furrowed her brow, "Problems with Carly?"

When isn't there? I felt like asking. Instead I opted for a simple nod.

"I'm sorry, Jax," Kate lamented. "If you want, we don't have to do this right now."

I shook my head and picked up the another folder with copies of the document Kate was looking at. I felt as thought I was staring right through the folder. Sighing, I closed it and sat it down on my lap.

"Carly's not pregnant," I divulged.

"Oh, Jax," Kate frowned. "I know how much you want to have a child."

I nodded. Indeed I did want a child. With all the chances I've had to have a child, something's always happened and I haven't been able to. When Courtney was pregnant, I was so excited to be a father, even though I knew there was a possibility the child could be Nikolas'. Then when the paternity test proved Nikolas was the father, I practically kidnapped poor Spencer. Then the year before, Liz lost the child she had been carrying for Courtney and me. That was devastating. We had begun to bond over that child who didn't even get a chance to be born.

'That's it,' I thought to myself. Liz would understand. "Kate, do you think we could actually go over these numbers later? I've got to go see some one."

"Of course. Are you going to be ok?" she asked.

I looked at her and smiled, "I'm going to be just fine. Thank you, Kate."

Kate returned my smile and I left the room.

I walked into the hospital a few hours later. I had called Elizabeth just after I'd left the Metro Court. She said I could meet her on the fourth floor. She was just about ready to take off for the night. I stepped off the elevator and saw her standing behind the nurses counter. She looked up and smiled at me.

"Hi, Jax," she looked back down at the chart she held in her hands. "I just need to finish marking off on my rounds and then I'm all yours."

I nodded and stood waiting across the counter from her. A few short moments later, she smiled, closing the chart and placed it on the counter.

"There," she said, turning to the computer to log out. "I am all ready to go."

I nodded, waiting for her to come around the counter and start walking with me to the elevator.

"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" she asked, once we stepped inside the elevator.

"Well," I swallowed. "It's rather a sensitive subject."

She looked at me confused, furrowing her brow. "Ok. What is it?"

"There really is no other way to breach it, so I'll just ask… Do you ever think about our child?" I could tell I caught her off guard. "I'm sorry. I know I said it was sensitive--"

"No, that's fine," she said, placing a hand on my arm. "I try not to dwell on the past, Jax. Dwelling leads to regret, and I just won't do that." I nodded and she continued, "Why do you ask?"

I looked down at our feet and then slowly back up at her. "Carly and I have been trying to have a baby."

Elizabeth nodded but remained silent.

"You see, I know we've miscarried at least once, possibly twice, and the thing is…" I didn't know how to tell her this… "It's really putting a strain on our marriage."

Elizabeth seemed confused, "I'm sorry, Jax. I don't know what to say."

I nodded, "I just thought maybe… you'd understand how I'm feeling. And you had such good advice when I came to talk to you after what happened with Michael."

"I don't know what you want me to tell you. Anything I can share with you wouldn't be any different than what you already know. Of course, I have had other miscarriages, but I don't know if one is any different than the other. You start to love this baby you might possibly be able to raise, but then you feel like all that planning and loving is ripped away from you. It's devastating every time. I don't know if you can ever actually get over it, Jax. You just have to keep trying. If what you really want is a baby, you'll get it one way or another."

I sighed, "What if I don't want to try anymore?"

Elizabeth pursed her lips and took a deep breath, "Why do I get the feeling we're not just talking about having a baby?"

The elevator door dinged open and we both walked out.

"I didn't know I was that transparent," I laughed shortly.

This caused Elizabeth to laugh out loud, "You've never been a hard person for me to read. What's going on?"

We walked out side and started walking towards her car, "Where should I start?"

Elizabeth shrugged, "Start wherever feels the most prevalent."

I sighed heavily, "I think Carly is sleeping with Sonny."

Elizabeth closed her mouth. I could tell wanted to say something, but didn't want to, for my sake maybe? I smiled and she seemed to gather her thoughts, "That's too bad, Jax. I was so sure you two had it.""Yeah, well… So, Carly thought she might be pregnant, but she didn't want to take a test. I guess That's when Sonny said something to the effect of if Carly's pregnant, I might want to think about getting a paternity test. And you add that up with Carly never being around and the extra-hostility from Sonny lately."

"Do you really think that's it? I mean, the extra-added hostility? They both just put Micheal in that care center. It can't be easy on either of them," Elizabeth couldn't believe she was almost defending Carly.

"She just doesn't seem to want to care about our marriage anymore," I trailed off.

Elizabeth stopped by her car and turned to face me, taking my arms in her hands, "I'm sorry about all this Jax. I know it can't be easy for you, and I know you still love Carly. Maybe you shouldn't jump to any more conclusions, and maybe you should make any rash decisions."

"You're right," I sighed, knowing she would know exactly what to say to calm me down. "I knew you'd know the right thing to say.

She smiled. "Hey, what are friends for?" She pulled me into a hug, which seemed weird, but neither one of us felt awkward about it. She was just being a caring friend, sympathetic to my problems. "Is there anything else I can help you with?"

I shook my head, "No, thank you. You've been a tremendous help."

She smiled up at me, "Any time."

She turned to get into her car, but I stopped her by asking, "Elizabeth… Do you think maybe I could buy you dinner sometime? You know, to say thank you for all that you've done for me, to say thank you for being such a great friend?"

She looked at me slightly confused, "That's not necessary, Jax."

"I know," I nodded, "I just want to say thank you."

She regarded me carefully before nodding softly, "Ok, Jax. How's tonight? I know my grams is free and she can watch my boys."

"Great!" I smiled. "I'll pick you up at your place at eight?"

"Sure," Elizabeth smiled once more before getting into her car and driving away. I watched her pull out of the hospital parking lot and pull away. I was thankful how jerky I'd been to her when she was pregnant with our baby didn't sour her toward me in any way. Yeah, it was a little rocky while she was pregnant, but I had to just chock that up to pregnancy hormones.


End file.
